In God Father Part II, there was a scene when Michael knew that his wife Kay just had a miscarriage, he asked Tom “Was it a boy?” Tom did not reply to Michael directly. Michael was enraged and he screamed, “Now can’t you give me a straight answer anymore!” Tom was actually doing what most Chinese people are doing when it comes to communication. We do not say things in a straight way especially when it was about some bad news or when we disagree with people’s views or proposals.

The story of Cao Cao

Even when we want to say NO, we will never say it out. When we are asked for comments, we usually do it indirectly and we assume people understand what we really mean.

There was once a powerful warlord at the Three Kingdom period named Cao Cao （曹操）who controlled a large part of China in the early second century. He was known to be a military genius but was also a very suspicious and cruel person. He had several sons and although traditionally the eldest son would be the heir, Cao Cao, probably in favour of the youngest son, was not sure whom he should pick. So he asked a counselor named Jia Xu （贾诩）, who was regarded as a very intelligent adviser. After listening to Cao’s question, Jia Xu did not say a word and seemed to have fallen into a deep thought. Cao Cao said,” I am asking you a question and why are you silent?” Jia said,” I am just thinking of the cases of Yuan Shao（袁绍）and Liu Biao （刘表）.” The moment he answered, Cao Cao got what Jia Xu exactly wanted to say and he laughed with satisfaction. Jia was reminding Cao Cao of the possible tragic consequences if he did not follow the tradition of picking up the eldest son. In the end, Cao Cao made his eldest son Cao Pi （曹丕） his successor.

Jia Xu did not answer the question directly, instead he used another two warlords Yuan Shao’s and Liu Biao’s real stories to indicate his answer and Cao Cao got it immediately. What Yuan and Liu had done was they both abolished the successor status of their eldest sons, which resulted in bloody fighting between the eldest and the youngest sons. In Yuan’s case, Cao Cao actually made use of the fight between the brothers to defeat Yuan’s army and eventually gain control of the land that originally belonged to Yuan Shao.

A typical Western reply would be “I think Cao Pi is the best choice. My reasons are ………” However, Jia Xu knew he could not answer that way because it would not work, moreover he would very likely get himself into big troubles. Cao Cao would be suspicious of any conspiracy between Jia and his elder son Cao Pi. We have seen thousands of stories like this in Chinese history.

Practice example

Such indirect approach continues to the present time. I once conducted a workshop for a multinational company in a northern city of China. The client chose a hotel for me but it was not very nice. The next time when I had to go again, I asked a staff member who was helping us to book hotel that if she would book the same hotel. I actually sent a wechat message to her. Instead of replying to me with a Yes or No answer, she sent back a message asking if I did not like that hotel. I told her directly that it was not very good. Then she said she would explore other hotels. I went on asking if I could stay in a nearby new 5-star hotel and said I was willing to pay for the difference as it was more expensive. She said she would check if the company had such operational procedures. In the end she never replied to me on this but booked me to another hotel. I was not surprised and understood this was a typical Chinese way of communication. Clearly, the company did not have such procedures in place. But she did not want to tell me this was not OK. When we look at the whole thing, it was really not a big deal. It was not her fault that the company could not accept my proposal. But the point is Chinese people in general hate to say NO.

The “face” issue

You may want to know why is it the case? Why can’t they just say it if the answer is NO? This is the most frequent question I have heard from Western executives when they are dealing with Chinese partners or employees. A most simple answer is the “face” issue. To Chinese people, if we are rejected, it is a loss of face. Likewise, we do not want other people to lose face. The best way of dealing with such situation is to ask again, in person if you can. If you ask them again, many people would give you a real answer. Sometimes you need to be prepared to ask for the third time.

Mr. Chen was a manager of a beverage company in Shanghai. One day his boss who was a European asked him if he would like to re-locate to another city for further career development. Mr. Chen actually preferred to stay in Shanghai but he did not want to reject his boss right away, so he said he would need to consider it. Fair enough. After a week, his boss thought Mr. Chen might still be considering the case since he had not confirmed that he did not want to go. So he waited for some more days and then asked the HR director to check him on his final decision. When the HRD director went to talk to Mr. Chen, Mr. Chen said, “I thought he knew I do not want to go as he did not ask me again！”

Conclusion

Do not take their silence as they are still considering it because it may mean that the answer is NO. As managers, you can push for an answer but bearing in mind that most Chinese people will never reject people and disagree with people in public. The tip is to be ready to ask for the second or the third time privately. Just be patient.